When a parent challenges consent education in schools, are they raising a legitimate concern or changing their argument when questioned?
That distinction matters more than many school leaders realize.
Imagine a parent standing at a school board meeting and declaring:
“Teaching consent encourages students to have sex.”
An educator asks what evidence supports that statement.
Suddenly, the parent’s position changes.
“Well, I’m only saying parents should be involved in what their children learn.”
Wait a minute.
Those are two VERY different statements.
One makes a claim about the effects of consent education. The other expresses a reasonable interest in parental involvement.
Both deserve to be addressed. But the second statement does not prove the first.
This is where understanding a debate tactic called the Motte-and-Bailey argument can help school administrators, educators, and parents have more productive conversations.
And most importantly, keep the focus where it belongs: on students.
1. Consent Education in Schools: Recognizing the Motte-and-Bailey Shift
A Motte-and-Bailey argument occurs when someone makes a controversial or difficult-to-defend claim, then retreats to a safer, easier-to-defend position when challenged.
The person may then act as though defending the safer statement also validates the original claim.
Let’s look at our example.
The bold claim (Bailey): “Teaching consent encourages students to have sex.”
The safer claim (Motte): “Parents should be involved in what their children learn.”
Notice what happened?
The conversation moved from whether consent education encourages sexual activity to whether parents deserve a voice in education.
Those are separate questions.
A school administrator who responds only to the second statement risks leaving the first assertion unexamined.
In my video below, I explain how to recognize this argument shift and respond without getting pulled into an endless debate.
WATCH: When Parents Argue Against Consent Education, Spot the Argument Shift
One question can bring clarity:
“Which claim are you making? The first one or the safer one you just switched to? Because those are not the same argument.”
That question isn’t about embarrassing a parent.
It’s about making sure we’re discussing the actual concern.
And here’s an important distinction: Not every parent who questions consent education is using this argument tactic.
Some parents have sincere questions about age appropriateness, instructional materials, or family involvement.
We should welcome those conversations.
We simply need to recognize when an unsupported assertion is being protected by switching to a different argument.
2. Respecting Parents While Challenging Unsupported Claims
Parents deserve transparency about what their children are learning.
They deserve opportunities to ask questions.
They deserve to understand the purpose of school programs.
And schools deserve to respond with accurate information rather than assumptions about a parent’s motives.
That’s what it means to Lead with Respect.
However, respecting a parent’s concerns does not require accepting every claim as factual.
For example, the statement that teaching consent encourages sexual activity should be examined using evidence.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s research on sexual health education identifies several positive outcomes associated with well-designed sexual health education, including delayed initiation of sexual intercourse and healthier decision-making. That does not establish the effects of every individual program, but it challenges the assumption that providing education necessarily encourages sexual activity.
Consent education also teaches skills that extend beyond sexual relationships.
Students learn to communicate boundaries, respect other people’s decisions, recognize pressure, and intervene when someone may be experiencing harm.
In our article, High School Consent Education: 5 Things Students Need to Know, we explore why effective education must go beyond definitions and give students practical skills.
When parents raise concerns, administrators can respond with curiosity:
“Thank you for bringing this up. What specifically concerns you about the curriculum?”
Then follow with:
“Let’s look at what students are actually being taught and the evidence behind those lessons.”
This approach creates room for meaningful parental involvement without allowing unsupported claims to determine educational decisions.
Respect does not require agreement. It requires treating people with dignity while remaining clear about the facts.
3. Consent Education in Schools: Moving Beyond Victim-Blaming
There’s another version of this argument that concerns me deeply.
Someone says:
“If they went into that bedroom, they knew what could happen.”
When challenged, the statement changes.
“I’m only saying choices have consequences.”
Again, these are NOT the same statements.
Of course choices can have consequences.
But that general truth does not establish that someone who enters a bedroom is responsible for another person’s decision to violate their consent.
And we need to be crystal clear about this.
A person’s clothing, location, previous decisions, or willingness to spend time with someone does not transfer responsibility for another person’s harmful behavior.
Responsibility for sexual assault belongs to the person who commits it.
Consider another example.
A parent says, “If someone dresses provocatively, they’re inviting attention.”
When questioned about whether clothing establishes consent, the response becomes, “I’m just saying families should be allowed to teach their own values.”
Families absolutely can discuss clothing, values, and personal choices.
But those discussions do not change the meaning of consent.
Clothing is not permission.
Entering a room is not permission.
Dating someone is not permission.
And silence is not permission.
In our article Consent Is the Bare Minimum: Build Relationships on Respect, we explore why the goal is not simply avoiding violations but building relationships grounded in mutual respect.
School leaders have a responsibility to distinguish conversations about personal values from statements that excuse harmful behavior.
Why?
Because students are listening.
Some may have experienced violations of their boundaries.
Others may be learning for the first time how to recognize coercion, pressure, or victim-blaming.
When adults blur these distinctions, students can receive confusing and potentially harmful messages.
We can discuss accountability, personal choices, and family values without ever suggesting that someone caused another person to assault them.
That’s a standard every school community should be able to support.
4. Keeping Consent Education in Schools Focused on Student Skills
Here’s the question I wish every school administrator would ask when debates about consent education become heated:
“What skills do we want every student to leave our school knowing how to use?”
Not simply what rules should students memorize.
Not just what behaviors should they avoid.
What should they know HOW TO DO?
Students deserve opportunities to learn how to:
- Ask instead of assuming what another person wants.
- Communicate their boundaries clearly.
- Respect someone’s answer, including “No.”
- Recognize manipulation, pressure, and victim-blaming.
- Intervene when they witness potentially harmful behavior.
- Support someone who shares an experience of sexual harm.
These are practical life skills.
And they’re skills students can practice at home, in friendships, in school, and throughout their lives.
In Teen Consent Education: What Schools Get Wrong, I explain why simply telling students what NOT to do isn’t enough.
We need to show them what respectful behavior actually looks and sounds like.
Imagine a student hearing a peer say, “If someone goes into a bedroom, they know what they’re agreeing to.”
What if that student had the confidence to respond:
“Going into a bedroom doesn’t mean agreeing to sexual activity.”
Or imagine a student hearing someone say, “I kept asking until they finally said yes.”
What if they knew how to explain that pressuring someone into agreement is not freely given consent?
THAT is the power of education.
It’s not about telling students what to think.
It’s about equipping them to recognize harmful assumptions, ask thoughtful questions, communicate effectively, and make respectful choices.
Parents and schools can reinforce these skills together by using consistent language about boundaries and respect.
A simple phrase can help everyone remember the standard:
Ask First & Respect the Answer.
Bring Practical Consent Education to Your School
When parents push back on consent education in schools, the goal should never be to defeat them in an argument.
The goal is to understand their concerns, clarify the facts, and protect meaningful learning opportunities for students.
That means recognizing when an argument changes, responding thoughtfully to legitimate questions, and refusing to normalize victim-blaming.
For more than three decades, I’ve worked with schools and communities to help young people build healthier relationships through practical, respectful communication.
Through The Center for Respect’s SAFER Choices School Assembly, students learn how to ask first, respect boundaries, intervene when someone needs support, and recognize harmful behavior.
The program is interactive, age-appropriate, and customized to each school’s community.
As a Hall-of-Fame Speaker, I believe the greatest educational impact happens when students leave knowing exactly what they can DO differently.
If your school wants to strengthen its culture of respect while giving students practical skills for everyday life, explore our SAFER Choices School Assembly.
Because the question isn’t whether difficult conversations will happen.
They will.
The question is whether we’re preparing students and ourselves, to navigate them with clarity, courage, and respect.
Lead with Respect.
Ask First & Respect the Answer.
Thanks for being you. 💜
About Mike Domitrz
Mike Domitrz is a Hall-of-Fame Speaker, author, subject matter expert, and founder of The Center for Respect who helps organizations, schools, and the military build cultures rooted in consent, respect, honoring boundaries, bystander intervention, sexual assault prevention, and healthy relationships. For over 30 years, he has equipped audiences of all ages with practical, real-world tools. Known as one of the first pioneers on teaching consent in the early 1990s, his “Ask First & Respect the Answer” philosophy to consent has spread throughout the world. Mike transforms how people engage with each other, stand up for each other, and raise their own standards.
Why does Mike have such a deep passion? For Mike, this work is personal. In 1989, he received a phone call that the youngest of his sisters had been sexually assaulted. That moment would change their lives and a year later Mike discovered a way he could try to make a positive impact – by speaking in schools.
