When I say consent is the bare minimum, people sometimes misunderstand what I mean.
They hear “bare minimum” and think I’m minimizing the importance of consent.
Quite the opposite.
Consent is essential. It must always be present. Consent is REQUIRED for anything to happen.
And if our goal is a healthy, mutually amazing relationship, consent should be the starting point, not the finish line.
Think about it this way.
Would you want your partner to say:
“I’m going to do the bare minimum to get a ‘Yes’ from you whether you want it or not”?
Or would you rather be with someone who cares about what you genuinely want, how comfortable you feel, what your boundaries are, and whether the experience is mutually wanted?
There is a significant difference.
That difference is why I teach:
Consent is the bare minimum. Respectful Mutuality is the standard.
What Does “Consent Is the Bare Minimum” Mean?
When we focus only on whether someone said “yes,” we risk turning consent into a transaction.
Ask questions.
Get yes.
Proceed.
Healthy intimacy deserves more care than that.
The better question is not simply:
“Did I get a yes?”
It is:
“Are we creating an experience we mutually want together?”
That requires communication, curiosity, trust, respect, and the freedom for each person to be honest.
Healthy consent should be:
- Mutually wanted
- Specific and in the moment
- Free to be removed
- Between partners of sound mind and legal age
- Enthusiastically and freely given
And “freely” matters.
Persistence is not healthy consent.
Guilt is not healthy consent.
Manipulation is not healthy consent.
Wearing someone down until they finally give you the answer you wanted is not the standard for a healthy relationship.
No doesn’t mean try harder.
Our article on teen consent education explores why teaching practical relationship skills, not simply rules about consent, is so important.
Consent Is the Bare Minimum Because Every Person Deserves a Choice
One of the most important elements of consent is choice.
Your partner deserves a choice.
Every time.
Having done something before does not automatically mean your partner wants to do it again.
Dating someone for six months does not eliminate their choice.
Being married does not eliminate their choice.
Having kissed 100 times does not mean either person automatically wants kiss number 101.
Each moment is its own choice.
When we understand that consent is the bare minimum in each experience, we stop treating previous intimacy as permission for future intimacy.
That is why Ask First & Respect the Answer is not simply about asking a question.
It is about honoring another person’s autonomy.
Now Respect the Answer You Actually Receive
Suppose you ask:
“May I kiss you?”
And your partner responds:
“Ummm…yeah. Okay.”
You heard a ‘Okay’.
You also heard hesitation.
What does that hesitation mean?
You don’t know.
So don’t guess.
Get curious.
You might say:
“I noticed you paused. I want you to know you can absolutely say no or not yet.”
Maybe they will say:
“Actually, I’m not ready.”
Or maybe:
“I really do want to kiss you. I’m just surprised you asked.”
Either answer gives you greater clarity.
More importantly, you just demonstrated that you care more about your partner’s honest answer than getting the answer you hoped to hear.
Real confidence doesn’t fear the answer.
Consent Is the Bare Minimum and Respect Goes Beyond Sexual Intimacy
Here is where this conversation becomes much bigger.
The skills required for healthy consent are the same skills we need throughout healthy relationships.
Can your partner disagree with you without being punished emotionally?
Can they change their mind?
Can they express a boundary without being mocked, guilted, or challenged?
Can you hear an answer you don’t like and still respond respectfully?
And do you offer them that same respect?
These questions apply to friendships, families, workplaces, schools, and communities – not only intimate relationships.
Boundaries are not about controlling another person.
They help us communicate our needs, choices, and limits.
Understanding this is especially important when helping young people develop healthy relationship skills. Our article on the psychology behind teen boundary testing explores how adults can model respect while maintaining clear expectations and accountability.
Healthy Consent Should Be Specific
“Want to hook up?”
What exactly does that mean?
Kissing?
Making out?
Sexual activity?
Different people can hear the exact same phrase and imagine completely different things.
That is why specificity matters.
Try:
“May I kiss you?”
“Would you like to…?”
“What would you love for us to do?”
Specific questions reduce assumptions.
And yes, asking may feel unfamiliar at first.
Many people have been taught; through movies, television, peers, and cultural messages – that romance is supposed to happen without anyone communicating directly.
Someone looks into someone else’s eyes.
They lean closer.
Music plays.
Everyone magically knows what the other person wants.
Real life does not come with a soundtrack.
Body language can give us information, but it cannot tell us with certainty what another person wants.
Notice signals. Confirm with words.
Ask.
Listen.
Respect the answer.
Why “Consent Is the Bare Minimum” Must Become Part of Our Culture
Consent education cannot simply be one conversation about sexual activity.
We need to build cultures where respecting boundaries is expected.
For students, that means giving young people practical skills they can actually use. The Center for Respect’s school programs focus on boundaries, asking first, consent, healthy relationships, bystander intervention, and supporting others. Learn more about creating cultures of respect in middle schools and high schools.
For parents and caregivers, it means modeling those same skills at home. Parent consent education can help families create ongoing conversations about boundaries, communication, decision-making, and respect.
And for all of us, remembering consent is the bare minimum means recognizing that consent is not about figuring out how to get another person to say yes.
It is about creating an environment where they feel completely free to give their most honest answer.
RAINN similarly emphasizes that consent involves clear communication, is ongoing, and must be voluntary and free of pressure. Their Consent 101 resource offers additional information about consent, boundaries, and building trust.
Consent Is the Bare Minimum. Mutually Amazing Is the Goal.
Imagine relationships where both people know:
I can say yes.
I can say no.
I can say not yet.
I can change my mind.
I can ask questions.
I can express what I want.
And my partner is going to respect me.
That is the standard.
We should absolutely teach consent.
We should absolutely expect consent.
And then we should ask ourselves:
What are we building on top of that foundation?
Are we building trust?
Communication?
Mutuality?
Safety?
Respect?
Because the goal should never be merely to obtain permission for what I want.
The goal is discovering what we mutually want together.
Consent is the bare minimum because avoiding harm is not the highest standard we can set for our relationships.
Let’s build relationships where both people are respected, both people have a voice, and both people are genuinely part of every choice.
Let’s raise the standard.
Ask First & Respect the Answer.
Lead with Respect.
Thanks for being you. 💜
About Mike Domitrz
Mike Domitrz is a Hall-of-Fame Speaker, author, subject matter expert, and founder of The Center for Respect who helps organizations, schools, and the military build cultures rooted in consent, respect, honoring boundaries, bystander intervention, sexual assault prevention, and healthy relationships. For over 30 years, he has equipped audiences of all ages with practical, real-world tools. Known as one of the first pioneers on teaching consent in the early 1990s, his “Ask First & Respect the Answer” philosophy to consent has spread throughout the world. Mike transforms how people engage with each other, stand up for each other, and raise their own standards.
Why does Mike have such a deep passion? For Mike, this work is personal. In 1989, he received a phone call that the youngest of his sisters had been sexually assaulted. That moment would change their lives and a year later Mike discovered a way he could try to make a positive impact – by speaking in schools.