Bob Burg reveals what the essence of influence is for each person as he shares with host Mike Domitrz in this thought-provoking conversation. Find out what the “others” focus is.
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Bob’s BIO:
Bob Burg shares how a subtle shift in focus is not only a more gratifying and fulfilling way of living life and conducting business but is the most financially profitable way, as well.
For 30 years he’s helped companies, sales leader, and their teams to more effectively communicate their value, sell at higher prices with less resistance, and grow their businesses.
His book, “The Go-Giver” (coauthored with John David Mann) — a Wall Street Journal and BusinessWeek Bestseller, has sold over 850,000 copies. Since its release it has consistently stayed in the Top 25 on 800ceoread’s Business Book Bestsellers List. The book has been translated into 28 languages, was rated #10 on Inc. Magazine’s list of the Most Motivational Books Ever Written, and was on HubSpot’s 20 Most Highly Rated Sales Books of All Time. Combining all four books in “The Go-Giver Series” as well as his other books, his total sales are approaching the two million copies mark.
Bob is an advocate, supporter and defender of the Free Enterprise system, believing that the amount of money one makes is directly proportional to how many people they serve. He is also an unapologetic animal fanatic and has served on the Board of Directors of Furry Friends Adoption and Clinic in his town of Jupiter, Florida.
LINKS TO BOB:
- https://thegogiver.com/
- https://burg.com/
- https://twitter.com/bobburg
- https://www.instagram.com/realbobburg/
- https://www.linkedin.com/in/bobburg/
- https://www.facebook.com/burgbob
BOOKS BOB RECOMMENDS:
- How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie https://amzn.to/2Kf5gP4
- The Art of Talking so People Will Listen
YOUR HOST: Mike Domitrz is the founder of The Center for Respect where he helps educational institutions, the US Military and businesses of all sizes create a culture of respect throughout their organizations. From addressing consent to helping corporations build a workplace free from fear (reducing sexual harassment and helping employees thrive by treating them with respect every day), Domitrz engages audiences by sharing skill sets they can implement into their lives immediately. As an author, trainer, keynote speaker and coach, Mike Domitrz loves working with leaders at all levels. Learn more at http://www.CenterForRespect.com
READ THE FULL TRANSCRIPTION of the EPISODE HERE:
Mike Domitrz:
Welcome to The RESPECT Podcast. I’m your host Mike Domitrz from mikespeaks.com where we help organizations of all sizes, educational institutions, and the U.S. military create a culture of respect, and respect is exactly what we discuss on this show. So let’s get started.
Mike Domitrz:
Today we’ve got a legend with you, somebody who wrote a book that has impacted millions around the world. That is Bob Burg. He’s the coauthor with John David Mann of The Go-Giver book series. Many of you have read it. It’s had such an impact around the world, translated in 28 languages, with total sales of over 1 million copies. Thank you so much Bob for joining us.
Bob Burg:
Hey, thank you Mike, great to be with you.
Mike Domitrz:
Absolutely. We’re thrilled to have you here. The show is all about respect, so we’re going to dive right into this. It seems like these days more than ever on social media, but practically everywhere, especially with regards to politics, communication is breaking down, and respect for others with differing opinions has sunk to a whole new place. What are your thoughts on that? How do we address that? How can we move forward?
Bob Burg:
Well, I think that’s very true. And you think about political dialogue and political discourse, it’s never been necessarily polite but it was not as it is now. It used to be basically, I’m right, you’re wrong. Which again isn’t the best of worlds, but that’s how it was. Now instead of I’m right, you’re wrong, it’s, I’m right, you’re evil. And there’s a significant difference there, because if you believe someone’s wrong, you’ll still engage with them. Okay. If you believe someone is evil, you won’t even engage. When I say engage, I mean actually dialogue with them. Okay. In a respectful way. And you won’t do that, because if someone’s evil, well why would you show them respect? I think that’s what it’s come down to, and that’s what you see, whether it’s on Twitter or Facebook, or whether it’s in person, on talk shows, what have you.
Bob Burg:
I think it’s a really difficult situation we’re in right now. It doesn’t look like it’s going away. It looks like it’s getting worse. What do you say about that? You try to do your best as an individual to set an example. And if you have a big enough platform you can… And I see some people out there trying to get people to communicate with others in a respectful way, making it not ad hominem but rather about the issues. But I’d say right now I’m not encouraged. That’s not seeming to take hold right now.
Mike Domitrz:
Yeah, I find it interesting. I have a very close friend who we are politically opposites. You couldn’t be more opposite. Some people are like, I don’t get your friendship. I don’t get how that is even able to survive, and how it’s so strong. And I’m always like, well you’re seeing one aspect of each of us. That’s it. You’re only seeing our political beliefs. You’re not seeing how we both see each other’s fathers, or spouses, or friends on a bike ride. You’re not seeing that. I think, wouldn’t that add a big component to this where I could look at somebody and say, “What aspect of their life do I respect?” Right? It does come down to respect. Yeah. If I respect you as a human being, then I can just differ with your belief, and now you’re not evil. The moment I believe you’re evil, I can’t respect evil. Right? I mean that doesn’t work.
Bob Burg:
By the very nature of the definitions of all those terms, you’re right, it doesn’t. So yes. The first thing I suggest with people, especially… Let’s just look at it from an influence and persuasion viewpoint. If you really want to influence or persuade another human being, you better look at them as a well-intended person. If you don’t, they’re going to get that. You know what I’m saying? If you don’t respect them as a well-intended individual, they are gonna pick up on that. And they’re not going to be movable in any way. They’re going to be immutable, unchangeable. So even for, and I hate to say it this way, for selfish purposes, show respect and hopefully actually respect that person.
Bob Burg:
And to do that you need to, as you were implying, take that deeper look. Okay, well they’re a whatever it is, Republican, or Democrat, or whatever it happens to be, that I totally don’t like, but what might I like about them? What might I like about them? Do they actually want to see good things happen for people, they just have a different way of approaching it than I do. Or getting out of outside of politics, are they a good parent, a good spouse, a good friend, an ethical and honest business person? What is it? And I love how you said it, what is it about them that I do respect, that I genuinely respect or can find about them to respect. And only at that point will engagement and dialogue ever take place.
Mike Domitrz:
The Go-Giver book is set in such a beautiful place of giving, of seeing the positive in others throughout. What if somebody’s sitting here going, “Yeah, but what about the one who I do believe is evil? Like I don’t believe they’re doing this for good intention. How do I move forward with that?” Maybe it’s a major leader that they see that way. Maybe it’s a leader of their organization they work for. Maybe it’s a political figure that is at a high level in our government? How do you help that person who sees that individual that way?
Bob Burg:
Well, let’s take it on a few different levels. Let’s say it’s someone you work in their organization. Okay. And you see this person as just a downright evil, nasty person. Well now you have to ask yourself, should I be working within that organization? Okay. Now you can’t always just leave though. We’ve got responsibilities. Now, if you feel this person is a crook, or this person is just taking advantage of the customers, well, you’ve got to get away. I mean, if they’re evil, and again, I’m not saying they are, but if that’s really, despite you’re doing your best to find something good in that person, you come to the conclusion that this person leading your company, or whatever it has to be, your division, what have you, is an evil human being, you cannot in good conscious obviously work with that person.
Bob Burg:
If, by you working there, it continues to hurt the end user. You know what I’m saying? I mean there are certain people, there’s always going to be people, you can still work in that company it has nothing to do with, or you can hopefully get a transfer to another team or division, or what have you. But I go back to what you say. They’re probably not evil. There’s probably something within them that you can respect.
Bob Burg:
Now, by the way, we live in a big world, there are evil people, as far as I’m concerned, I say it, doesn’t mean I’m right. But I believe there are people who, they may not be evil but you can see evil from there, right? I mean, it’s close enough, and some are really, truly evil people. Obviously we don’t want them in our lives, and to the degree we can avoid them, it’s just best to do. You’re probably not going to change an evil person. Okay. You can help change a person who maybe does things that are wrong, or bad, or counterproductive as you see them being that way. But pure evil, difficult to change.
Mike Domitrz:
Well, you brought up that that idea of change and you brought up influence, and it’s a word that’s often thrown around nowadays. Influence. What does it mean to you when you hear the word influence?
Bob Burg:
Influence I believe can be defined on a couple of different levels. On a very, very basic level, influence can be defined as the ability to move a person, or persons, to a desired action, usually within the context of a specific goal. Okay. By definition, that is influence.
Bob Burg:
Now that might be its definition, but Mike, I don’t believe that it’s essence. The essence of influence is pull, pull, as opposed to push, as in the old saying, how far can you push a rope and we know the answer is not very far, at least not very fast or very effectively, which is why great leaders, great influencers don’t push. You never hear people say, “Hey, that David or that Margaret, she is so influential. She has a lot of push with people,” right? “She sure is pushy. We just…” No. They’d say “She’s influential. She has a lot of pull with people,” because that’s the essence of influence. That’s what influence is. It’s pull, it’s an attraction. Great influencers attract people first to themselves, and then their ideas. But you must really bring them to what I say, know, like, and trust you for that to happen.
Bob Burg:
The way we pull is we shift our focus. We, as we say, we move from an I focus or a me focus, to what we call an other focus, looking for ways to be a value to others. The great influencer will question themselves. They’ll ask themselves, how does what I’m asking this other person to do, how does it align with their goals, with their wants, with their needs, with their desires? How does what I want this other person to do, how does it align with their values? And when asking ourselves these questions thoughtfully, intelligently, genuinely, authentically, not as a way to manipulate another human being into doing our will. That’s totally disrespectful. No. As a way of building everyone in the process, now we’ve come a lot closer to earning that person’s agreement, and even commitment to an idea as opposed to trying to depend on some type of a compliance.
Mike Domitrz:
Well and I love that you brought up manipulation, and you were saying that’s the opposite, it can be disrespectful because I’ve had guest down before that say “Look, manipulation, it’s just a term, but it’s also a form of education.” So how do you differentiate manipulation versus influence versus educating versus persuasion?
Bob Burg:
I would say that what we do first is we distinguish between manipulation and persuasion because both are types of influence. Remember, influence is simply moving a person to a desired action, right? So a manipulator and a persuader are both looking to cause a person to take a particular action that they might not have done without that person’s influence. Both manipulators and persuaders typically understand human nature. They understand what moves and motivates people. The difference is it begins with intent.
Bob Burg:
One of the best explanations, or the best explanation, I ever saw was in a book written by Dr. Paul W. Swets, it was published back in 1987. The title of the book was The Art of Talking So That People Will Listen, but it was really more about listening than it was about talking, as you can imagine, but that was the title. And here’s what he said, and I’m paraphrasing just lightly, so please pardon me. He wrote, “Manipulation aims at control, not cooperation. It results in a win-lose situation. It does not consider the good of the other party. Persuader always seeks to enhance the self esteem, and I would add the position, of the other party. People act then responsibly because they’re treated as responsible self-directing individuals. So yes, it begins with intent. A manipulator may not be trying to hurt the other person, but if that’s what it takes to get their way, they will do so. With a persuader, it couldn’t happen because in order for a persuader to feel good about themselves, they’ve got to know that that other person feels good about it as well, and actually does benefit from it.”
Mike Domitrz:
Well that walks right into a concept that you and your co-author, John, talk about genuine influence. How does that differ from traditional influence?
Bob Burg:
I would define genuine influence as the ability to get the results you want when dealing with others, while making that other person feel genuinely good about themselves, about the situation, and about you, which means respect has got to be the very foundation of this.
Mike Domitrz:
And what are traps people can fall into while they’re trying to do that, that gets them off track and more to that self-focus. Right. I say I’m doing it to help you, but suddenly I’m not. Where people can quickly fall into that, where this is benefiting me. What are things you watch out for to make sure you’re not going off that track of helping this person feel better about themselves in the process?
Bob Burg:
Yeah. And it’s not that it has to not help you. I mean, obviously when we’re persuading or influencing other person, we feel it’s in everyone’s best interest, theirs and ours. The key though is that the focus must be on it being in their best interest. You know what I’m saying? This is the same as in The Go-Giver. We say money is simply an echo of value, which means the key is that you focus on providing immense value to your customer. That’s your focus. The money you receive is a natural result of the value you’ve provided. But the focus must be on the customer.
Bob Burg:
And it’s the same here, when we talk about genuine influence. Yes, hopefully you will benefit, but the focus must be on the other person benefiting. And that’s what’s, what’s so key.
Mike Domitrz:
Yeah. And that focus makes such a huge difference of keeping us on track. Because it’s when we get on the focus of the profit, that extra dollar, that we forget the human element here, and who we’re serving, and who we’re helping, and what problem we’re solving, right? Every company and organization is in business because they solve someone’s problem, otherwise there’s nothing to buy. There’s nothing. So I think that’s so important you bring that up.
Mike Domitrz:
And in the book you talk about the five secrets to genuine influence. What’s number one?
Bob Burg:
Well that is to master your emotions. The Sages asked who is mighty? And answered, that person who can control their own emotions and make of an enemy, or a of a potential enemy, a friend. And this is really where it all begins. Because it’s only when we’re in control of our own emotions that we’re even in a position to take a potentially negative situation or person and turn it into a win for everyone involved. We all know this, and yet how often do we, based on what the other person says or does, do we allow ourselves, do we make ourselves miserable, or uptight, or defensive, or angry, and we say or do the very thing that is so counterproductive to attaining the results we want?
Bob Burg:
Well so why do we do that? Well because we’re human beings, and as human beings, we are emotional creatures. We’d like to think we’re logical, and to a certain extent we are, but we’re pretty emotionally driven. We make major decisions based on emotion, and we back up those emotional decisions with logic, right? We rationalize, which simply means we tell ourselves rational lies. And that’s human.
Bob Burg:
But what we’re not suggesting, okay, what John and I are not suggesting is that you deny your emotions or that you minimize your emotions. No. Emotions are a great part of life. They bring us joy. They make life worthwhile. No. Just make sure you’re the master of your emotions as opposed to your emotions being the master of you. Or as my great friend Don [D’Skumachi 00:15:54] puts it, “Take your emotions along for the ride, but make sure you are driving the car.”
Mike Domitrz:
That’s brilliant. And the next secret is stepping into the other person’s shoes.
Bob Burg:
Yeah. Which sounds easy, doesn’t it? Until you realize that most of us have different size feet. So literally we cannot step into another person’s shoes. Figuratively, we cannot step into another person’s mind because we’re not them. And as human beings, we all see the world from our own basic vantage point, viewpoint, what I call belief system. And as human beings, we also tend to believe that other people see the world basically the same way we do, which is very intuitive. How can it be any different? It’s all we know, but it’s not true, right? People see the world from their own viewpoints, and we don’t know what this other person’s thinking. And there’s only one way to know, to step into their shoes, and that is to ask questions and then listen.
Bob Burg:
And as one of the mentors in the story advises, don’t listen just with your ears. That’s the surface listening most of us do. That’s listening in order to speak. It’s letting that person get in their 2 cents so that we can get in our 10 cents. Okay? Instead, listen with your eyes. Listen with your posture. Listen with the back of your neck. In other words, listen with your entire essence. And when you do that, two wonderful things happen. One is that you truly do understand. You put yourself in their shoes, you’ve discovered what it is that person needs, wants, and desires, which is what selling is all about. It’s what influence is all about. But the second thing is when you’ve done this, the other person feels heard, they feel listened to, they feel understood. And that is such a basic human need to feel understood by another human being and their level of trust in you goes through the roof.
Mike Domitrz:
Yeah. It’s the essence of respect to see someone for who they are. It’s something you see people make the mistake all the time. They’ll even say, “Well, if I were in their shoes, I would have done this.” Which tells me you don’t understand what’s in their shoes because you’re living in your shoes as if you’re living in their, and so it’s very common. So I love the beauty of listing an emotional, almost a spiritual connection level, versus just words. It’s so, so important.
Bob Burg:
Yup, and it’s respect. Listening to another human being is really in a sense the ultimate in respect, isn’t it?
Mike Domitrz:
It is. It is. And you talk in the third secret about setting the proper frame. So what does that mean? How do you do it?
Bob Burg:
Yeah. Well, setting a frame is so important. Setting the correct frame or resetting another persons negatively set frame, that if you do this correctly, you’re about 90% of the way to to attaining satisfaction. A frame, Mike, can be defined as the the foundation from which everything else evolves. Can I share an example of my favorite frame story ever? This happened several years ago, and I’ve told this story so many times, and I learn from it every time I tell it. And I was in a Dunkin Donuts restaurant, and there was a little boy, a little toddler, probably a year and a half, two year, two and a half years old, and he’s running around the restaurant when his parents call over to their table. So he starts to head over, and he suddenly takes a spill on the floor. He falls. Now, he didn’t hurt himself. You could tell. But you could also tell he was shocked. He was surprised. This was not within his realm of experience.
Bob Burg:
The first thing he did was, of course, he looked at the two people in his life he trusts the most, his mom and dad, to find out their interpretation of the event. So what happened, happened, he wanted to kind of know what’s next? Is this a good thing, a bad thing? And I really believe that had his parents gotten upset and panicky and, “Oh no, my poor baby, are you okay?” He’d have started to cry. But what they did, they handled it so beautifully. They walked over quickly of course, but very calmly. They had just a wonderful, calm demeanor about them. They smiled, and they applauded, and they laughed, and they said, “Oh, how fun. What a good trick that was.” And immediately the little boy began to laugh. What the parents did is they set a productive frame from which he could operate and that’s so important.
Mike Domitrz:
Yes. It’s like with a baby, right, when they fall nowadays you’re not like, “Oh no.” You’d be like, “Good fall, right. That was a good one. Now let’s try it again.” Right. You make it a positive frame. It makes such a huge difference in people’s lives.
Mike Domitrz:
And talking about people’s lives and our impact, your dad has a wonderful definition of tact.
Bob Burg:
We say communicate with tact and empathy. My dad has always defined tact as the language of strength, and I’ve always enjoyed that definition because to me it does take a powerful, a mighty person, to be tactful, to not just click the send button on an email, or a a social media tweet or post, right, because you don’t like what the person said, or to snap back at someone, or to approach someone that you need to correct, or critique, or what have you. But first think how that person is going to feel about that, and how you can say it in a way… See tact really in a sense, it’s communicating an idea to someone that they normally would not necessarily be happy about, but doing so in such a way that not only are they not defensive toward you and resistant to your idea, but they are open to you and open to your idea.
Bob Burg:
And my dad, who I got to watch all my life always just approach, it didn’t matter who that person was or the situation, it was always with such respect and such empathy and tact in everything he did, and everyone loved him. They still do to this day, and so a great example. But really when we can approach others that way, it’s the ultimate in respect, and it’s something that comes right back to us.
Mike Domitrz:
Yeah. And one of the areas that can be tough for some people to do is when we think we’re right, and having tact in those moments, you say that not only is it a way of communicating respect, but actually makes one more influential, not less, is letting go of having to be right.
Bob Burg:
Yeah.
Mike Domitrz:
And so how do people do that? Because people get so caught in, but I’m right.
Bob Burg:
Exactly. And we’re human beings. We want to be right. Why wouldn’t we? And when we say let go of having to be right, really what we’re saying is let go of the attachment to having to be right. When we can do this, what happens is, and the reason why we’re more influential, is because when we can consider other ideas, which doesn’t mean we have to agree with them, okay, but when we can open our mind to consider other ideas, and to say, “Hey, maybe we don’t know everything about this. Maybe there were some things we don’t know.” A couple things happen. One is we go into learners mode. And because of that, we open ourselves up to new knowledge that we can carefully consider this, as opposed to the person. And we see this so often, especially in politics, where my mind’s already made up, don’t confuse me with the facts, right? And so the person who can open their mind, which doesn’t mean it’s so open your brains fall out, but it means it’s open enough to be able to consider alternatives and consider other ideas. That person can learn and grow.
Bob Burg:
The person who is totally closed and cannot accept just not being 100% right, they can’t know anything more than they already know, and we find with those types of people, typically what they think they know isn’t necessarily always true. But also when you do that, the person, when you open your mind like that, when you let go of the attachment to having to be right, the person you’re dealing with can sense that, they know they’re dealing with someone who’s seeking truth, not someone who’s looking just to be right, or looking to be right at my expense. Right. So they’re much more likely to lose their defensiveness and be more amenable to your idea. So yes, it actually makes you more influential, not less.
Mike Domitrz:
And for the last question, I’m going to go in a different direction here, but really aligns with The Go-Giver book because some people can think, “Oh, I’m going to be a go-giver.” And they’re just giving and giving and saying yes to everything and losing themselves, losing their self value, of taking care of their spiritual, their physical. In this world where everybody feels like they have to say yes to everything, there’s so much going on, how do you say no to requests in a way that is kind? Right. We go back to that tact, and effective, and respectful. So you don’t feel that guilt afterwards also that happens of, “Oh no, I’ve said no,” but at the same time also feel you handled it well.
Bob Burg:
Right. And you ask a great question because one thing I always like to make sure people understand about the go-giver, especially before they’ve read the book, and they know there’s more to it than just give, right? Because remember there’s also the law of receptivity, but there’s nothing about being a go-giver that is congruent with being a doormat, or a martyr, or self-sacrificial, in any way. Absolutely not. It simply means your focus is on bringing immense value to others. Now, can we always say yes to people? No way. We can’t. There simply isn’t enough time, or energy, or resources, or whatever to be able to say yes to everyone, even though we’d probably like to, because as human beings we like to be able to please others. But no, obviously we can’t. But a go-giver will say no in such a way that the other person feels valued, honored, and respected.
Bob Burg:
Can I give you a quick example?
Mike Domitrz:
That’d be awesome.
Bob Burg:
Because I’ve heard people say, “No is a complete sentence.” Well, I disagree with that. To me that’s pretty disrespectful. Someone asks you to do something. Again, let’s say it’s something that’s a compliment that they’ve asked. They want you to serve on a committee, let’s say, and are you really just going to say, “No”? I mean, that’s just not polite, it’s not nice, and it’s incongruent with hopefully every listener’s value system of showing respect to another person.
Bob Burg:
Now, people will often say, “Well then just tell them you don’t have time.” The problem with that is a couple-fold. One, it’s not that you don’t have time, it’s that you don’t have the desire to do the thing, right. You, you value not doing it more than you value doing it. And if you say, “Oh, I would, but I don’t have time,” first, you’re kind of fibbing to yourself. It doesn’t feel good. But remember, that other person is used to that. So when they communicate in such a way that it’s obvious time would not be an issue. Or they even say, “Well that’s okay, we’re doing this again in three months.” Well now you’ve put yourself in a position where fibbing comes back to really haunt you, right.
Bob Burg:
So no, instead, let’s say no in a way that honors and respects others as well as your boundaries. Someone, again, they ask you to be on a committee, simply say, “Thank you so much for asking. While it’s not something I’d like to do, please know how honored I am just to be asked.” Okay. And you can use a little bit varient language, but here’s the key, okay, you did not make an excuse. You did not give them something to hang their hat on. You basically said, “Thank you so much for asking,” or you could just say, “Thank you so much,” and then while it’s… which you’ve honored them, you’ve thanked them. Then you say, “while it’s not something I’d like to do.” Okay. You basically said, it’s not something you choose to do. Not something I’d like to do. “Please know how honored I am to be asked, or just to be asked, or just that you would think of me.” Okay. Either way what you’ve done is you’ve honored that person, totally, you’ve respected and honored them while very gently letting them know it’s not something that you’re going to do and you don’t feel the need to come up with a reason why.
Bob Burg:
Now by the way, there are some things that sure you explain why not, because it’s proper, but by and large, with something like this, resist the urge to give a reason why, and just very gently just say no, or not just say no, but say no this way.
Mike Domitrz:
Yeah. Well what’s beautiful about it is this idea, I’m honored you asked.
Bob Burg:
Yeah.
Mike Domitrz:
So right away you take away the negative. It’s just great.
Bob Burg:
Exactly. Exactly.
Mike Domitrz:
It’s perfect. I want to make sure everybody can get a hold of you Bob because you’re so brilliant, you give so much, which is appropriate with the book The Go-Giver. They can go to thegogiver.com, they can also go to burg.com, B-U-R-G.com, burg.com, and we’re going to have all your social media links on the show notes for everybody to listen. Thank you so much, Bob, for giving today to all of us.
Bob Burg:
Thank you so much, Mike. Appreciate you having me.
Mike Domitrz:
Absolutely, and for our listeners, you know what is coming up next. That is the question of the week.
Mike Domitrz:
Before I answer this week’s question of the week, I’d love to ask you a question, would you please subscribe to this podcast, The RESPECT podcast with Mike Domitrz? By subscribing, you can make a huge impact. Now you might be wondering, Mike, how does my subscribing to your podcast make a huge impact? Well, here’s how. For every person that subscribes, it raises the rankings of the show in the search engines. So for people who care about respect like yourself, when they’re doing a search for podcasts, they’re more likely to find this show, thus providing an awesome opportunity for us to spread more respect around this world. And all you do is hit subscribe under your podcasts. Plus, the second benefit is by subscribing, you automatically get every episode right into your phone, or whatever device you’re listening to the podcast on. It happens automatically. So subscribing also makes your life easier.
Mike Domitrz:
Now let’s get into this week’s question of the week. Oh, and by the way, you can always ask your questions of the week by joining us on Facebook in our discussion group. It’s called The RESPECT Podcast Discussion Group. Go there on Facebook and ask whatever questions you would like me to answer and or address in this segment of the show, and then listen to each episode to find out when your question is included.
Mike Domitrz:
Today’s question came from my trainer. I work with a trainer to help me take care of my body, my wellness, especially with as much as I’m on the road and travel, and we were talking today while working out about why don’t people know how to disagree or argue in relationships in a healthy manner. And I shared a lesson that I learned in many years ago at this three-day workshop I went to by the Landmark Forum and Landmark Education. And the statement was something that I’ve never forgotten, I think is so powerful, and I want to share with everybody. And that is when we are hurt, or when we are angry, and we feel this is coming from a statement someone made to us, instead of saying, “You intentionally hurt me,” or, “You hate me,” or, “You don’t love me,” pause and say “This story I’m telling myself, is it because when you said this phrase,” and then you say whatever the statement was that hurt you, “When you made that statement, the story I told myself was, you don’t love me or you don’t like me. And so I want us to be able to talk about that because that’s how I’m feeling, because that’s the story I’m telling myself.”
Mike Domitrz:
Now what’s beautiful about, that’s the story I’m telling myself, is that it’s based in truth. I don’t know that you meant to do that. I don’t know that that was the outcome you were driving for, but I do know that that’s the story in my mind and my emotions right now. So I have to own that’s the story I’m telling myself. It also puts it off of you, and puts it on, maybe I’ve got the wrong story, right. Now, you can clarify and go, “Nope, that’s right,” and my story will then be in alignment. Or you could say, “No, not at all. Oh my gosh, that’s not what I meant to have happened,” and we can solve the problem. We can cure the the wound here. We can help it be whole again by fixing that. And so that’s a powerful statement. Simply saying, “The story I’m telling myself is.” Hope you found that helpful.
Mike Domitrz:
Do you know what I would love? I would love to hear your answer to this week’s question of the week. Would you please answer what your answer would have been if you were asked that question today on the show? All you do is go to our Facebook page. We have a special group where we have these discussions called The RESPECT Podcast Discussion Group. So The RESPECT Podcast Discussion Group, and share with us what would your answer have been to this week’s question of the week, and if you take a moment, post us a new question for future episodes. What question would you like to hear me answer on an upcoming episode? That’s all done on Facebook in our special group, which is The RESPECT Podcast Discussion Group. Can’t wait to see you there.
Mike Domitrz:
Thank you for joining us in this episode of The RESPECT Podcast, exploring work love and life. And this episode, like every episode, is brought to you by our organization, The Center for Respect, which you can find at centerforrespect.com. And of course you can find me your host, Mike Domitrz, at mikespeaks.com. Thank you so much for joining us.