While some schools talk a lot about consent, consent myths surrounding dating, attraction, intimacy, and especially body language still result in people guessing instead of communicating with their words.
Examples include people believing:
“I could tell they were into it.”
“Asking will kill the mood.”
“I don’t want to disappoint them, so I’ll just say yes.”
These are three common consent myths that can get in the way of healthy, mutually wanted relationships.
After more than three decades of speaking with students, schools, colleges, universities, and members of the U.S. military, I’ve learned something important:
People need to hear MORE than just “what not to do.”
They need specific skills for what TO DO . . . the right way.
That is why I teach:
Ask First & Respect the Answer.
Simple? Yes.
Powerful? Absolutely.
Here are three consent myths we need to stop teaching, and what we can say and do instead.
Consent Myth #1: “Body language tells me whether they want it.”
A look.
A smile.
Leaning closer.
A certain “vibe.”
People are constantly told to read these signals and somehow know what another person wants.
There’s one big problem:
Human beings are not mind readers.
Body language can give us information, but it cannot tell us with certainty nor specificity what another person is thinking or wanting.
In fact, I’ve had this exact conversation with body-language expert Mark Bowden. We agreed that interpreting another person’s body language is highly unreliable when you are using that interpretation to make decisions involving sexual intimacy and someone else’s boundaries.
Your own hopes can influence what you think you are seeing. This is called confirmation bias.
If you are really attracted to someone, how easy is it to interpret a smile as, “They want me”?
Very easy.
So instead of trying to become an expert at guessing, become great at communicating.
What to say instead:
“Would you like to kiss?”
Or:
“What would you love right now?”
Use your words to clarify and confirm what the other person actually wants.
Ask.
Listen.
Respect the answer.
For more on the dangers of relying on nonverbal signals, read Mark Bowden & Body Language – the Myth vs Reality.
Consent Myth #2: “Asking for consent kills the mood.”
Of all the consent myths I hear, this may be one of the most persistent.
People worry:
“What if asking makes it awkward?”
“What if I ruin the moment?”
Awkwardness is part of human interactions. To try to avoid it is to remove the nerves and anticipation. That takes away the entire energy. Don’t avoid awkwardness. Own it.
Next we hear:
“What if they say no?”
THIS is often the real fear.
We’re afraid of the answer.
And avoiding a question because you’re afraid someone might say no is exactly why the question matters. Every partner deserves a choice BEFORE anything happens.
Think about what happens when you ask first.
You are communicating:
I care what you want.
Your boundaries matter to me.
You get a choice.
I’m confident enough to hear your answer.
That’s not awkward.
That’s caring.
That’s confidence.
And yes, it can be incredibly romantic.
As I tell audiences:
Real confidence doesn’t fear the answer.
The goal isn’t to find the perfect way to “get a yes.” The goal is to explore what each person WANTS in that moment and for both people to have the freedom to be honest about what they actually want.
What to say instead:
Try something simple:
“May I kiss you?”
Then respect whatever answer you receive.
Yes?
Wonderful.
No?
Wonderful, you now know they don’t want to and you can honor that boundary.
Our article Teen Consent Education: What Schools Get Wrong explores why young people need opportunities to actually practice these communication skills instead of simply being told the rules of consent.
Because consent education should not be built around fear.
It should be built around skills.
Consent Myth #3: “I should say yes because I don’t want to disappoint them.”
This is one of the consent myths we need to challenge from both sides of the conversation.
Have you ever thought any of the following when not wanting intimacy with a partner?
“They really want this and I don’t want to disappoint them.”
“I don’t want them to feel rejected.”
“I don’t want to be mean.”
“I guess I’ll just go along with it.”
You are not doing your partner a favor by overriding your own boundaries. And you are not being honest with them. That is not respecting yourself or your partner.
You never owe anyone sexual intimacy.
Saying no is not mean.
Saying no can simply mean:
“I don’t want that.”
“Not right now.”
“I changed my mind.”
Or:
“I want something different.”
All of those choices deserve respect.
Healthy consent is NOT about one person getting what they want while the other person reluctantly goes along.
It should be freely given and mutually wanted. Applying pressure, guilt, manipulation, and repeatedly asking after someone has already said no undermine that freedom of choice.
What to say instead:
If you don’t want something:
“No, I don’t want to do that.”
Or:
“I changed my mind.”
Or simply:
“No.”
You do not owe someone a detailed explanation for your boundary.
And if someone tells YOU no?
Respect the answer.
Here’s a powerful response:
“Thanks for being honest. I respect that.”
That response tells another person that their honesty is safe with you.
Our earlier article Do YOU Ask? explores this same idea: asking gives partners a genuine choice, and honoring that choice helps build relationships grounded in respect.
Moving Beyond Consent Myths: Consent Is About More Than Avoiding Harm
Sometimes consent education focuses almost entirely on avoiding sexual assault.
Of course preventing sexual violence matters enormously. The CDC identifies changing social norms and strengthening prevention approaches as important parts of preventing sexual violence before it occurs. Learn more from the CDC about sexual violence prevention.
But what if we set our standard higher than simply avoiding harm?
What if we teach people how to create relationships built on:
Respect.
Trust.
Safety.
Communication.
Mutuality.
That is the opportunity.
Consent is not merely about getting permission.
It’s about two people having a voice in what happens next.
Teach the Skill, Not Just the Rule
Imagine telling someone learning to drive:
“Don’t crash.”
And then sending them onto the highway.
We would never consider that adequate driver education.
Yet too often, that is essentially what we do with consent.
“Don’t assault someone.”
“Don’t cross a boundary.”
“Make sure you have consent.”
Okay.
How?
If we want to replace consent myths with healthier behaviors, give people the words.
Give them opportunities to equip themselves with life changing skill sets.
Show them what respectful communication actually sounds like.
That is exactly what students practice in the SAFER Choices Assembly.
The program goes beyond definitions and gives students specific how-to skills for honoring boundaries, asking first, intervening when disrespect is happening, supporting survivors, and building healthier relationships and school cultures.
Learn more about bringing the SAFER Choices Assembly to your school.
Because if we want different choices, we need to teach different skills.
Stop guessing.
Stop assuming.
Stop treating someone’s boundary as something to overcome.
See These Lessons in Action
The video below is an example of the lessons Hall-of-Fame Speaker Mike Domitrz shares from the stage, giving students practical, specific skills for asking first, respecting boundaries, and making healthier choices.
Ask First & Respect the Answer. Lead with Respect.
About Mike Domitrz
Mike Domitrz is a Hall-of-Fame Speaker, author, subject matter expert, and founder of The Center for Respect who helps organizations, schools, and the military build cultures rooted in consent, respect, honoring boundaries, bystander intervention, sexual assault prevention, and healthy relationships.
For over 30 years, Mike has equipped audiences of all ages with practical, real-world tools. As one of the early pioneers teaching consent in the 1990s, his “Ask First & Respect the Answer” philosophy has reached audiences around the world. Mike transforms how people engage with each other, stand up for each other, and raise their own standards.
Why does Mike have such a deep passion for this work? For Mike, it is personal. In 1989, he received a phone call that the youngest of his sisters had been sexually assaulted. That moment changed their lives. A year later, Mike discovered a way he could try to make a positive impact, by speaking in schools.