When it comes to consent, schools need to STOP focusing on the phrase “no means no” as their main lesson.
WHY?
Here’s the problem nobody says out loud. “No means no” puts the entire responsibility on the person it’s being done to… to say, “NO!” and not on the person taking the action in the first place.
Are most students asking first for consent? No, they are not.
Then why do we expect someone to answer “No” to a question they were never asked in the first place? But that’s exactly what many prevention programs do. They focus on “No Means No!”
What about when there is no a “NO!” For a multitude of reasons, often there is not a verbal, “No!” and then you frequently see people focus on the survivor saying, “Did YOU say, NO!”
You mean to a question they were NEVER asked.
Instead of focusing on “No Means No,” teach to ASK FIRST and RESPECT THE ANSWER (whatever the answer is).
Students deserve more than being taught “No Means No!”
They deserve an approach that builds a healthy choice INTO every situation (not a reactive approach as “No Means No”). This is what I bring into schools. Real skills. Real behavior change. A whole new standard of respect… for some students overnight. Reach out. Call, email, or submit an inquiry to bring me in… and let’s build people who ask first and respect the answer.
About Mike Domitrz
Mike Domitrz is a Hall-of-Fame Speaker, author, subject matter expert, and founder of The Center for Respect who helps organizations, schools, and the military build cultures rooted in consent, respect, honoring boundaries, bystander intervention, sexual assault prevention, and healthy relationships. For over 30 years, he has equipped audiences of all ages with practical, real-world tools. Known as one of the first pioneers on teaching consent in the early 1990s, his “Ask First & Respect the Answer” philosophy to consent has spread throughout the world. Mike transforms how people engage with each other, stand up for each other, and raise their own standards.
Why does Mike have such a deep passion? For Mike, this work is personal. In 1989, he received a phone call that the youngest of his sisters had been sexually assaulted. That moment would change their lives and a year later Mike discovered a way he could try to make a positive impact – by speaking in schools.