42: Joe Hirsch & Thriving with Feedback

Joe Hirsch is on a mission to change the way people give feedback. He’s a TEDx and keynote speaker, a columnist for Inc., the author of “The Feedback Fix,” a father of four, and a husband of one.

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As the managing director of Semaca Partners, Joe Hirsch specializes in helping organizations apply behavioral science to strengthen the way leaders train, support and empower their teams for success.

Drawing on his experiences as an award-winning educational leader and researcher, Joe has earned accolades from Fortune 500 executives to NFL coaches for his forward-thinking approach to improving organizational culture and effectiveness. Described by Wharton professor Adam Grant as “breath of fresh air,” Joe distills vast bodies of research-based practice into actionable insights that make an immediate difference in how people work, learn and lead.

His 2017 book, “The Feedback Fix” (published by Rowman & Littlefield) presents a radical alternative to traditional feedback techniques and performance management practices. As a TEDx and keynote speaker, Joe has shared his strategies with executives at Deloitte, GameStop, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, members of the U.S. armed forces, and close to 10,000 others across two continents.

When Joe isn’t writing for publications like Inc., The Wall Street Journal, or Educational Leadership, he enjoys playing football with his four sons and working out with his wife. He lives (actually) in Dallas and (virtually) at www.joehirsch.me.


Web: www.joehirsch.me
Email: info@joehirsch.me
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joemhirsch/
Twitter: @joemhirsch


The Feedback Fix: Dump the Past, Embrace the Future and Lead the Way to Change
Rowman & Littlefield, 2017

READ THE FULL TRANSCRIPTION of the EPISODE HERE (or download the pdf):

**IMPORTANT: This podcast episode was transcribed by a 3rd party service and so errors can occur throughout the following pages:

Welcome to the Respect podcast. I’m your host, Mike Domitrz from mikespeaks.com, where we help organizations of all sizes, educational institutions, and the US military create a culture of respect. Respect is exactly what we discuss on this show, so let’s get started.

Yes, and this week you’re going to meet Joe Hirsch. He is on a mission to change the way people give feedback. He’s a TEDx and keynote speaker, a columnist for Ink, the author of The Feedback Fix, father of four, and a husband of one. Thank you so much for joining us, Joe.

Hey Mike, great to be with you.

You deal with feedback specifically, so how can feedback build a culture of respect?

Well the first thing we need to focus on is how it builds a culture of disrespect, and unfortunately that is often the case with most feedback. That’s because of the orientation of the way we’re talking to people. We can’t change the past. We can’t control things that fall outside of our own abilities, and unfortunately, Mike, too much of feedback that is shared today in the workplace and even in schools and at home is focused on a past that people can’t change instead of a future that they can.

What I mean by that is that we’re talking about the parts of them that can’t ever be rectified, can’t be modified, and can’t be elevated. When people hear a message like that, about things that they can no longer change or control, it actually triggers a threat response inside them. This is a deep neural response we have to feelings of stress that surround our neural pathways whenever we feel like we’re under attack, and when people tell us news about ourselves that we can’t change or control, that’s exactly what happens. Our brains go into shutdown mode. The parts of our brains that are responsible for executive planning, for creativity, for autonomy, for trust, they all go dark. So when someone approaches us with that kind of an orientation and that kind of a conversation, we on the receiving end immediately perceive their actions to be disrespectful of our space, of our abilities, of who we are, and more importantly, who we can be.

That’s powerful. So how do we help people realize that feedback is healthy, it can be positive and/or it can be negative. In other words, unsolicited can be harmful, depending on how it’s given. Even solicited can be very harmful when it’s given, so where’s the ground floor here? How do people … Where do they start in understanding a better viewpoint of feedback?

I think it starts with the message itself, and to make a shift from traditional feedback to what you might call feed forward. Now that sounds kind of like a play on words, but feed forward based on research and experience is something that can actually shift the way we look at people and their performance. Feed forward is a complete change in how we look at people. Instead of looking back at the past that they can’t change, we are looking ahead to a future that they can. Most importantly, that’s not just a more positive message, it actually changes the whole mindset of the way those conversations are taking place. Instead of a hierarchy of a boss to a report telling someone what should be done, feed forward is a partnership approach that involves two way dialogue and a focus on development, not just ratings, a focus on goals, not just grades if you’re in a school context. Ultimately, it brings the other person into the conversation as a partner and changes the whole focus from one of punitive subjectivity to one of trust and authenticity.

So where would that start? Let’s say that you’re managing someone or you’re a parent or you’re in a role where feedback is critical. How do you start the feed forward approach versus maybe give an example of what the traditional feedback way would’ve been, and then what does feed forward look like?

So to boil it all down real quick for your listeners, feed forward is starting with six real principles that I call repair. This is covered in The Feedback Fix, and when you go through the process of repair, you are focusing the conversation in a way that regenerates the talent of that other person, that’s R. It expands that person’s creative capacities, that’s E. It’s particular, it’s not throwing the kitchen sink, that’s P. It’s authentic, it’s rooted in what is seen by that other person, it’s impactful, it’s focused on results, and ultimately R, it’s refining the way the teams work together so that it’s not just given from one person to another, but can actually be a driver of elevating team performance as a whole.

I love it, that makes it easy, repair. The first one went so fast. Could you say the first one again?

Absolutely. Repair stands for regenerates talent.

There we go. That was the one. I wanted to make sure I have that for all of our listeners and our show notes, so thank you. So regenerates talent, let’s back up on that because I think some of the others are very clear. You know, expands possibilities, go in with an open mind, be particular, don’t just throw … That was a great example, don’t come in just flying high on everything. And authentic, don’t be fake, people hate that. But regenerates talent, I think people go, “What?” What does regenerates talent mean?

Most of the time when we’re in a feedback situation, there is an imbalance of power. Naturally, right? A parent to a child, a teacher to a student, a manager to a report. When you enter with that approach, then you are essentially depleting someone’s talent because you’re looking at what they did and you are critiquing from a point of power what went wrong, and basically telling them not to do it again. With feed forward, and in this first stage of regenerating their talent, we’re looking at them as a talent source that can be tapped and that can be regenerated time and again if only we just use the right words and have the right mindset. So if our message and our mindset is correct, then we can do that. You approach this person not as an empty vessel waiting to be filled, but as a talent source waiting to be unleashed.

To do that, start by asking more questions of this person and put aside your assumptions and your preconceived notions of what it is this person has done, and really make room for that person to fill that space with information you may not have. In the context of that conversation, of this dialogue that has now begun between manager and report, between parent and child, between teacher and student, you’re gonna learn information you may not have known before, things that you as the manager or the parent or the person on the other end of that feedback may not be aware of but now can finally hear. You may be made aware of things that you knew about in the past, but that you might’ve had a different view of, and certainly not one that related to the view of the person who’s now speaking to you.

So when you do all that, you allow that person to tap back into the parts of themselves that are great, that are waiting to be unleashed, and you can start to build a conversation around those strengths and focus on the perspectives of the receiver, not just you, the giver.

All right. So what’s an example? I love this. What’s a good example of opening that conversation? What are words to actually use in that moment that creates that setting?

Let’s say I’m a manager giving you a performance review. One thing that hopefully we’ll dig into a little bit later on is that these conversations shouldn’t be scheduled in seasonal sport. These conversations should be happening all the time because performance is happening all the time. But if you and I were talking, Mike, I might say to you, “Look. Let’s make our conversation about four C’s. Your career, your capabilities, our connections, and your contributions.” So I might start by saying, “Mike, it’s been a great quarter. You’ve been doing some great stuff. Can you tell me what’s been giving you energy at work lately? What’s been draining you? What’s making you happy? Where do you feel you’ve learned and grown in the last, I don’t know, three months?” So you’re opening up a conversation with the receiver in mind, and you’re allowing the space and the time for that receiver to enter as a partner and not simply as a victim or an adversary.

I love that because you’re starting off by, “Hey, where you at,” really, right? “Where are things at? Where do you drain? Where do you get energy?” It also takes us beyond the typical benchmark objectives of numbers, “Where are sales?” You know? Or, “Where is that project at?” It’s saying, “Hey, how you doing?” There’s a human element to it.

Yes, yes. Because when we know that someone cares about us, we automatically trust them, like them, and want to listen to them. If we enter as an adversary already throwing our perceptions of what they’ve done in their face, then they’re gonna go into threat survival mode, which is that primordial instinct deep down in our brains where we’re gonna start putting up walls and challenging and doing fight or flight. We don’t want the conversation to go like that, because ultimately change isn’t about forcing the issue. It’s about provoking insights that can lead to positive and lasting outcomes.

So when you open with that first C, with career, you’re showing yourself as a partner, not as an adversary. You are deescalating the stress and tension that all too often is a part of these performance conversations, and you’ve made it about them. You’ve said, “Hey, look. I’m here for you. I want to help and support you, but first, I want to hear how are things going for you.” That’s why I think these conversations should be happening all the time and not just once in awhile.

But once you cover the career and you sort of set the stage, you then let them dig in. You get into the next C, which is capabilities, and you ask them questions like, “All right, Mike, what kind of feedback have you gotten from people on the team lately or me that has made you think about changing something?” Again, you may well know what that feedback is, but by you, Mike, the receiver, really reflecting on that question, you will point to the information that is most important to you and therefore will give me, the giver, an insight into where you are, where’s your mind at. Because performance is an inside game, and if people’s minds aren’t right, then we can’t really help them from the outside. That change has to come from within. “Tell me, Mike, what are some of your strengths that we haven’t been tapping or what do you see as something that you’ve really been working on lately, sort of a personal goal for yourself?”

Then once we’ve framed the conversation as it’s about Mike and Mike’s view of his own performance, then I can step in and say, “All right, well, connections, the third C. How are things going between you and me? Am I, your manager, helping you do those things you’re talking about? You’ve articulated an area of strength. You’ve talked about things that have given you joy. You’ve talked about what personal best looks like, so now help me understand how I can continue to support you to do that. Or if I’m not, what can I do to change that?” Again, bombshell. Total change in the way these conversations go. In a traditional feedback conversation, the manager is essentially counting beans.

He or she is gonna list all the things that we’ve done right or wrong and then present a litany of those facts and leave it for us to decipher how best to move forward. But with feed forward, we are helping to shape that future conversation and those future actions by listening to what the individual himself or herself feels, thinks, and is ready to do, which leads to the final C, which is contributions.

Now that we’ve set that stage, we focused on your strengths. I know how I can support you as a manager or what I should be doing as a manager to help you. Now, we can talk about how you can lean into that space and fill up the way you best know how together with me as your manager, shaping those goals.

Because feed forward is not about managers relinquishing their power. This is something that I try to drive home to the companies that I work with, audiences that I talk to from the stage. This is not the abdication of leadership. This is not management-lite. Feed forward is an intentional and deliberate shift in the way managers see their roles. They are not there to fill a bucket. They are there to light a fire.

And when managers start to think like that, when they start to look at that person on the other side of them as someone who is worthy of service, who has talents and strengths, and it is their job, the manager’s job, to unleash those strengths and capitalize on those talents and to bring out areas of that person that the person may not even know about yet, that changes the entire narrative and the entire trajectory of these conversations. It puts people at ease. It gives them confidence, it gives them strength, and ultimately it brings them joy.

And I love how it’s built on respect throughout, which is beautiful. For the person listening going, where’s the place where I need to give them the difficult news? What somebody’d consider difficult, where they’re not performing up to par? Where does that fit in there if they’re not noticing it? In other words, yes, if they bring it up like, “Hey, I feel that I’m struggling.” Yeah, there’s room there. But if they think they’re acing everything, which can happen and they’re really struggling in the eyes of you, the leader or the management, where does that show in those Four Cs?

Such a good question. And it’s one that I get all the time, which led me to rethink the way that we often deliver bad news, which is the praise sandwich, right? We are always dishing out this two pieces of praise with, we know a little bit of criticism tucked in between. And we do that Mike, for obvious reasons.

We as managers don’t want to be the bearers of bad news because unless you’re just a really bad person, you don’t want to bring terrible news to someone’s doorstep and you don’t want to make someone feel bad and you don’t want to hurt them. So we opt for these gauzy praise sandwiches where we’re just hoping that maybe they’ll pick up on the tough news in between. That’s a mistake. People ignore that mushy middle.

Brain research shows it. Experience shows it. People only hear the first and last things we tell them, but they ignore everything in between.

So, praise sandwiches are not very effective. Instead, I think feed forward has a role to play and here I call it instead of a sandwich a WRAP. I just love acronyms. So here’s another one. WRAP stands for what and where, reason, affect, and prompt. And when you give a feed forward wrap, you’re essentially utilizing the same principles we talked about before, but you’re going to be very particular upfront and clear and transparent with what it is you need to talk about with that person, where it’s happening and why it matters that this conversation has to happen.

So let’s just say, Mike, you’re a member of my sales team and you tend to be a a loud talker. You are over-talking everyone else on the team. No one else has any room to get a word in at meetings. And even though you’ve got great ideas and you’re a high value member, I still feel like there’s room for others to contribute and I need to talk to you about that, because also the other members of the team have come to me and said, “Mike is shutting us out. He’s taken over the meeting. I can’t get a word in and I’ve got ideas too. So, help me.”

By the way, did you pre interview me from like four years ago or something?

I talked to your mother, actually.

There you go.

I found out.

I think so many of those things fit a lot of those entrepreneurs or speakers, that we get excited, we can dominate without meaning to, so those are great examples.

Yes. And this is a perennial problem for anyone who has great ideas and gets excited. And even if there’s no mal intent, they get excited and energized by these things. And without even realizing it, we tend to show up a certain way to people.

So I take you aside, I’d say, “Look, Mike, I want to talk to you about the sales meeting and the way you were talking in it.” Now why is that important? I just did W right? Why did I have to label it for you?

Because if I just say, “Mike, can I give you some feedback?” That’s a nice question. That’s a nice soft entre. But once I ask you those dreaded words, the words that set off a whole threat response deep inside us, you are already approaching with an uh-oh feeling in your stomach. Well, what’s Joe going to say to me? Did something happen? But by me labeling right off the bat, hey, here’s where it’s happening and I want to talk about this particular thing, already you have a context for that conversation and it’s going to deescalate some of that stress.

At least it focuses the stress, right? Because I can be freaking out in my mind, but I’m freaking out about what did I just say in that meeting? So that’s specific versus, oh no, where’s this going?

Correct. Yes. It’s not going to take it all away, but it is going to mitigate some of those feelings that you would have otherwise had.

And then you get into the reason. You’d say, “Look, I really think it’s important that when we’re in these sales meetings that people have a chance to speak what’s on their minds, because there’s so many great ideas from that can come from everybody on our team.” Now, that may sound obvious, but you would be surprised how many times we are unaware of how our actions are landing with other people and to give reasons, it doesn’t have to be condescending or pedantic. By telling the person why it matters, you may be making explicit to them something that they just aren’t aware of.

Most of us go through life unawares of how are showing up to other people and giving that reason saying, “Look, Mike, in the sales meeting, you were talking about this particular pitch idea of yours for 20 minutes literally and running with it and you were cutting people down. You’d just say, ‘Hey we’ll get you in a second. Let me just finish that.’ And you were shutting them out. And I don’t think you realize how deflating that was for them.”

And that’s the A. That’s the affect. You don’t make this about. You don’t make this about accusations. You make it about emotions. And I don’t mean to sound touchy feely here because you know we’re talking about real business outcomes, but by making it about the way that you and others feel, that person receiving the feedback can’t argue with those emotions. Right? If I say, “Mike, look, people are feeling shut down. I know it’s not your intention. I know you’re just trying to really put in your great ideas, but they’re feeling shut out.” Well, you can’t argue with that.

Well, the one defense you’d probably get there, “Well, who? Who?”

Yeah. Hopefully they’re not in a defensive crouch because of the way you’re setting up this conversation. But of course that’s why sometimes … if we have time, we can dig into this. It’s important to make feedback something that is shared out in the open among lots of parties. And not something that’s a one on one because again, there is that part of us who just is out for blood. Hey, who was saying that? Who’s out to get me? Who do I need to go corner in the hallway now about that? And that’s where I think this actually becomes more respectful to the people on your team. If feedback can become a team of fair and something that is shared by all the members of your practice, of your team, of your unit, of your organization, of your classroom, in your family, if you can make it something that shifts from private, in the corners, in the shadows, to something that’s out in the open and transparent? Using these principles, it can change the dynamic and the tenor of feedback.

So, let’s pause there. So is this conversation of, “Hey, what just happened to me?” Is this public?

There you got to make the right call as a manager. If it’s the kind of thing where you want to nip it in the bud. No, I think you take this person aside first and make them aware because again, until someone’s aware of how they’re showing up to others, I don’t know that they have the comfort to then be subjected to a full on treatment of their misdeeds and in front of members of their team.

That was my mindset. I can see that the thinking you’re humiliating me here. I didn’t know this. Right.

No. Good, good clarification. And thank you, on point. The first step is really always to make feedback something that’s happening all the time and because it’s happening all the time, these conversations are happening casually between manager and report, between teacher and student, between parent and kid. And it’s not something that has to be done out in the open because you’re right, that would have the opposite effect.

But ultimately I do believe, and I’ve seen this happen with different organizations I’ve worked with, then when these conversations can happen out in the open, there’s a much greater level of trust and ultimately a much greater level of transfer in terms of positive change in these behaviors because everyone is working together on these goals.

Now granted, it takes some work to get to a point where there’s a trusting and respectful environment among a team where people can be open and totally transparent about themselves and with others.

However, it’s something that can be done and frankly should be done. But when you asked, how does this come back to feed forward? The last part of the WRAP, the P. This is the key. You don’t just leave the conversation as “Mike, here’s what’s happening in sales meetings. You’re talking too much. It’s bothering everybody else and now fix it and I need you to fix it by the next time we have a meeting.”

P is for prompt, because you’re getting into a conversation with that other person about what he or she feels can be done to make it happen. Here’s where you the manager, the parent, the teacher, you stop talking. You’ve shared enough and now you want to open the door and the conversation to that other person for he or she to fill that space the way they best know how. They may come back and say, “Oh my God, I totally had no idea. Thank you.” And they’ll on their own immediately suggest some ways they can fix it.

They may, however come back and say, “Actually don’t think I was talking very much at meetings at all. I think I actually was very charitable and shared the floor many times.” But that’s also important information for you, the manager to know because if really that person is that unaware of how they’re showing up, then other things have to be done before you get to that person prompting.

Then, you really have to go back and unpack the conversation and unpack where that person’s at in terms of their mind. This is where those other questions we talked about before are so important. How do you feel you’re showing up to your team in terms of your own career, in terms of your capabilities? The second of those Cs. What do you think you bring to the team?

I mean, obviously this person must see himself or she might see herself as a real star on a team. And the way you give feedback to a star performer according to research is way different than the way you give feedback to someone who’s floundering. And we have to right size our feedback. And that’s sort of the underlying message behind feed forward is that if we let that other person fill the space the way they best know how, then the feedback that we are giving to them is going to be customized around their strengths, will be aligned to their current readiness and ultimately is going to support their capabilities and drive them to the next level of success in a way that they know and want to.

And so with that one, it’s really gonna depend on the person. There’s no easy answer to say the prompt. So if you get to the person who says, “Oh, I really didn’t know where,” what’s the prompt? Like, how do you end that? If they’re saying, I wasn’t aware. Is the prompt something like, would you like some assistance when it’s happening? Would you like me to give a signal? You know? How do you prompt from that?

If I was a manager, I’d say, have you ever noticed

The way other people look at you in meetings. Can you tell me about the way you think you’re showing up to others in these meetings? Again, I’m not making an accusation. I’m asking you. Mike, how are you showing up in meetings? You may say, “I think people are happy with me,” and then I’ll come back and I’ll say, “Well, why do you say that?” You’ll say, “Well, because they’re always listening to everything I’m saying in meetings. They really respect what I have to say.” Then I might pause and I might say, [inaudible 00:24:24], because patients and timing is critical when you are adopting a coach approach to feedback with this question mindset. If someone’s truly not self aware, which the other person might not be, then they really need you to connect the dots for them.

Most people at that point in the conversation, if you framed it as, “You’re talking too much in meetings,” and then you’ve prompted them to suggest, “Well, how do you think you’re showing up in these meetings to people?” They’re saying, “Well, they’re listening to me all the time.” So, the logical conclusion from that is, well, their reason is because you’re dominating the airspace. You’ve got the air time all to yourself, and sometimes you may need to connect those dots, but whenever possible leave room for someone else to fill it. That’s why prompting is so critical.

Well, I guess that’s maybe where I’m a little confused. I’m just trying to clarify. Let’s say that I acknowledge, “Oh wow, I didn’t realize that. Thank you very much.” What’s the prompt them? Is there a prompt coming to what happens next?

Yeah. So, then you might say to that person, “All right, so, what do you think you could do next to help make that situation better next time?”

There’s the prompt. Okay, that’s what I was looking for. I was looking for the behavior there.

Yeah. So, it’s always focused on behavioral change, and it’s always focused on measurable outcomes. This can’t just be a fluffy conversation. These are critical conversations, and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have them, but we should have them in a way that honors the talent and the capacities of other people, to respect them for who they are, but more importantly, who they can be. That’s our job as managers, as parents, as teachers, as friends. It’s our job to help unlock that person’s true strengths that are waiting, sometimes, right at the surface for us to bring out.

Does anything in this formula, in these multiple formulas, change if it is a parent/child relationship, if it is a friend relationship versus the workplace?

Yeah, that’s a great question. When I’ve worked with schools on this particular issue, we actually approach it a little bit differently because for many people, I hope for all people, but for many people there’s still an old fashioned sentiment that children should respect their elders. That teachers, parents, or coaches do have the best interests of these kids at heart, and hopefully they do, and they’re deserving of respect. There is a bit more of a hierarchal nature to those relationships because of age, because of experience, because of so many other factors beyond just, “I’m in power and you’re not.” In those situations, I advise still asking a lot of questions, and making room for the kid, for the student, for the player, to really fill the space.

Again, coach approach works in all these contexts, but to do so in a way that takes the natural power and balance out of these conversations, because kids generally do really fear having those really scary conversations with the principal, with the teacher. You call your kid in and you’re having a heavy conversation in the car, or that kind of thing, and it’s heavy. We shut down even as kids. We instinctively shut down. I can remember my own conversations. I was not the world’s best kid. Got into a lot of trouble as a kid, had a lot of those conversations with my parents and my teachers, and spent a lot of time in the principals office unfortunately, but if the principal had taken me not into his office but had taken me maybe into the café or the cafeteria and with had this conversation over a hot chocolate or maybe a piece of candy, I don’t know, I think I might have approached it more as a partnership.

So, that’s something I do advice, is change the context.

Yeah, I tell parents all the time [crosstalk 00:28:11]. When you’re having tough conversations, don’t have it always be consistent. Go for ice cream but don’t always go for ice cream, or they’ll stop going for ice cream. I learned that. I would play basketball with my sons, and then give feedback or seek a conversation, and then I remember one of them going, “Nah, I don’t want to play basketball.” I’m like, “Why not?” They’re like, “Because you’re gonna turn it into a conversation.” I’m like, “Oh, man. I did not mean for that to happen.” This was years ago, it was a learning lesson. You need to vary it up.

Totally. I think, ultimately, that’s part of the relationship piece. What is at the core of all feedback is relationships. If we have a good relationship with the person that we’re giving feedback to, whether that’s our children, or the people we work with, or our friends, then ultimately the message is going to land much more effectively because there’s trust. When people know that we’re out for their best interests, we’re genuinely interested in their side of the story, and genuinely interested in their views of how this ought to go forward, then ultimately they’re going to respond as a partner, not as an adversary. They’re going to open up and not shut down.

That’s great. Now, wrapping this up Joe, the last question I wanted to ask is what are the telltale signs when someone is going to give you respectful feedback or not? So, you like feedback, but toxic feedback is not helpful. So, what are the telltale signs that this person is likely to give me respectful feedback versus disrespectful?

Yeah, you’re making a really good point because feedback can come from many sources. It doesn’t just have to come from our boss. It doesn’t have to come from our coach, or our parent, or our principal. It can come from the people beside us, not just above us, and the thing that I think is important to focus on, I’ll say there are three things. Number one is that trust factor we talk about. It’s really important to go to someone who you know has your back and who is gonna give you the full, unvarnished view of what’s going on, and isn’t going to sugarcoat it with a praise sandwich. Is gonna tell it to you on the real. Trust is important, but so is technique, and that’s why I think someone who is gonna be able to adopt a coach approach like we’ve talked about today, someone who’s gonna lead with questions and not just descriptions, who’s gonna be what I call a mirror holder not a window gazer.

Mirror holders, they’re gonna hold the mirror up to you for you to see it for yourself. Window gazers, they stare right out that window and they tell you what they see. So, you want someone who’s a mirror holder, who’s gonna help you see it. That person is gonna ask you questions to unleash that and unlock that. The last one is, finally, somebody who’s gonna hold you accountable. Finally, the most important thing, is that this becomes something actionable. Trust is important, and technique is important, but ultimately is it going to transfer? That’s, I guess, one more T. Is it gonna transfer? In order for it to transfer, that is gonna be someone who is not giving flyby feedback. They’ve got to be there for the follow through and in order for that to happen, that person has got to be in it for the long term with you. Don’t just drop the feedback and run. They’ve got to be there to have those followup conversations with you, to check in with you, to really show they care by showing up for conversations two, and three, and four.

Now just that initial conversation where they’re gonna go through the process that we talked about, but someone who’s in it for the long term, and who’s going to help you see it through all the way until you can really say, “Hey, I’ve done something that has led to positive and lasting change, and I’ve done it because I’ve had a partner by my side.”

I love the amount of detail you’ve given us, the skills you’ve given us, that we can implement these right away because they’re very precise. Of course, you have the book, the Feedback Fix for everyone out there. You can find Joe at JoeHirsch.me. So, Joe Hirsch is H-I-R-S-C-H. Joe, just like it sounds, and this will all be in our show notes. Thank you so much, Joe, for joining us.

Mike, it was a pleasure. Thanks so much.

Awesome, and for our listeners, you know what’s coming next. That’s question of the week. Before I answer this week’s question of the week, I’d love to ask you a question. Would you please subscribe to this podcast? The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz. By subscribing, you can make a huge impact. Now you might be wondering, “Mike, how does my subscribing to your podcast make a huge impact?” Well, here’s how. For every person that subscribes, it raises the rankings of this show in the search engines. So for people who care about respect, like yourself, when they’re doing a search for podcasts, they’re more likely to find this show, thus providing an awesome opportunity for us to spread more respect around this world. All you do is hit subscribe under your podcast. Plus, the second benefit is by subscribing, you automatically get every episode right into your phone or whatever device you are listening to the podcast on. It happens automatically.

So, subscribing also makes your life easier. Now, let’s get into this weeks’ question of the week. Oh and by the way, you can always ask your questions of the week by joining us on Facebook in our discussion group. It’s called the Respect Podcast Discussion Group. Go there on Facebook and ask whatever questions you would like me to answer and/or address in this segment of the show, and then listen to each episode to find out when your question is included.

This week’s question of the week is, “Mike, why do people victim blame?” This is a very important discussion, and there’s so many different reasons, so I’m gonna go to one of the most common reasons people victim blame. That is the following reason. People want to believe that if they can blame the victim for a choice the victim made, that the person who’s blaming the victim in that moment, they would never make that choice therefore they never have to be afraid of this happening to them. So, it’s a self defense mechanism. By me believing that person over there made a choice that led to this crime happening to them, and I would never make that choice, I can feel safe walking the planet Earth with never thinking anything wrong will happen to me, even though that belief is not realistic at all. That’s what people do subconsciously when they victim blame. They want to believe they’re gonna create this safe world where they’re gonna always make the right choice, therefore bad things will never happen to them, and bad things only happen to people who make bad choices.

Look, if we just take a moment and breathe, we recognize that’s just complete lunacy. That’s not realistic. You can make all the right choice and people can do awful things to you, and important, when you don’t make all the right choices that doesn’t mean anyone has the right to do awful things to you ever, ever, ever. That’s the answer to the question, “Why do people often victim blame?” That’s one of the reasons. Do you know what I would love? I would love to hear your answer to this week’s question of the week. So, would you please answer what your answer would have been if you were asked that question today on the show? All you do is go to our Facebook page. We have a special group where we have these discussions called the Respect Podcast Discussion Group. So, the Respect Podcast Discussion Group, and share with us. What would your answer have been to this weeks’ question of the week? If take a moment, post us a new question for future episodes. What question would you like to hear me answer on an upcoming episode? That’s all done on Facebook in our special group which is the Respect Podcast Discussion Group. Can’t wait to see you there.

Thank you for joining us for this episode of the Respect Podcast, which was sponsored by the Date Safe Project at DateSafeProject.org, and remember, you can always find me at MikeSpeaks.com


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