Teenagers today hear the word consent more than any generation before them. Most teens are still never taught the real skills of teen consent education.
Schools talk about it.
Parents worry about it.
Social media debates it.
After speaking with hundreds of thousands of students across the country for more than three decades, I’ve learned something many people don’t want to admit.
Most teens are still never taught the actual skills of consent in traditional teen consent education programs.
They hear phrases like:
- “Don’t pressure someone.”
- “Don’t assault someone.”
- “Respect boundaries.”
But that kind of education only tells young people what not to do.
It rarely teaches them what to do instead.
And when we fail to teach the skill, we leave teenagers trying to figure out one of life’s most important conversations… on their own.
The Moment That Changed My Perspective
Years ago, my world changed in a moment.
My sister was raped.
Everything I thought I understood about dating, relationships, and respect suddenly felt different. I started asking questions I had never asked before.
How do people actually date?
How do they know what the other person wants?
Why are we taught to guess instead of communicate?
As I began speaking with fellow students and some educators, a pattern became clear:
Most young people had never been shown how to ask for consent clearly.
They were taught to:
- “Make a move.”
- “Read the moment.”
- “Look for signals.”
But body language guesses can be wrong.
And guessing is not how healthy relationships are built.
The First Truth Teens Need to Hear About Respect
Before we talk about dating, intimacy, or relationships, teens must understand one simple truth:
Every person deserves dignity and respect.
Not after they earn it.
Not after they prove themselves.
Every person.
Respect is not the reward.
Respect is the starting point.
When teens understand that, consent stops being a rule and becomes a natural part of how we treat one another.
Stop Teaching Fear. Start Teaching Skills.
Many programs focus on avoiding harm.
“Don’t do this.”
“Don’t cross that line.”
“Don’t make that mistake.”
But imagine teaching someone to drive like this:
“Don’t crash.”
That’s not education.
That’s anxiety.
Effective consent education teaches skills young people can actually use.
Instead of saying:
“Don’t touch someone without consent.”
We teach a principle that is clear, memorable, and empowering:
Ask First. Respect the Answer.
These ideas are explored more deeply in Mike Domitrz’s Can I Kiss You? program and book, which teaches teens and adults the exact words to build mutually respectful relationships.
And here’s the part that many people overlook:
Real confidence doesn’t fear the answer.
That single idea can completely transform how young people approach relationships.
The Skill Most Teens Never Learn in Teen Consent Education
When I ask students during assemblies:
“Who here has ever been taught the exact words to ask for consent?”
Almost every room gets quiet.
Because nobody taught them.
Even when students are told to “ask first,” they often aren’t given the exact words to use.
Without those words, many worry they will ruin the moment.
So we teach something incredibly simple.
Four Steps to Asking for Consent:
- Look them in the eyes
- Smile
- Ask the question
- Respect the answer
The last step is the one that defines respect.
Because consent is not just about asking.
It’s about honoring the answer.
And this leads to one of the most important lessons teens need to hear:
“No” is not mean.
“No” is a boundary.
And respecting boundaries is not weakness.
It’s caring. Caring is one of the greatest qualities of any person.
Why Showing the Skill Matters
You Might Be Thinking, “Yeah but what makes this approach realistic so that the students want to ask first?”
Great question and here is the key to all of this. You have to SHOW the impact of asking first.
Humans do not like being the first to do something. We want to see someone else try it first.
Remember saying as a kid, “You go first”? That’s normal human behavior.
When it comes to asking for consent, there are very few examples to show. Try to find a movie with a romantic asking first moment. Difficult to find one. Same with shows, social media, and pornography.
And this is where Mike Domitrz shifts the paradigm for students. At this point in the “SAFER Choices” assembly, he engages students in a safe and supportive role-play discussion that helps every student feel better about asking first. How much do students feel different about asking first? Over 95% of students say they are more likely to ask first!
As silly as this sounds to some, it works! Why? Because by seeing a realistic role-play, students realize how SIMPLE asking first and respecting the answer is. And all of this only requires one student to volunteer. No, Mike is not having two students on stage asking for a kiss. No way! One student helps everyone in the room learn a powerful lesson and they get to be the SuperHero for the day.
Schools looking to bring this kind of real-world skill building to their students can learn more about Mike Domitrz’s SAFER Choices student assemblies, which teach practical communication, boundary-setting, and bystander skills.
The Influences Shaping Teen Relationships
If we want honest conversations with teenagers, we must acknowledge something many adults avoid talking about.
Teens are learning about relationships somewhere.
If we don’t teach them…
someone or something else will.
Pornography
One of the challenges with teen consent education is that many students learn about intimacy from media before they ever learn about respect and communication.
For many students today, pornography becomes their teacher.
And the lessons it teaches about intimacy are deeply unhealthy.
Put simply:
Porn is where students turn to and can gain all the wrong lessons.
It often teaches:
- Pressure equals attraction
- Silence equals consent
- Aggression equals passion
Healthy education replaces those messages with something far more powerful:
Respect.
Communication.
Mutual choice.
Research from Common Sense Media shows that many teens are exposed to pornography online long before they fully understand healthy relationships.
Alcohol and Consent
Another reality teens must understand clearly is alcohol and consent.
When someone is intoxicated, their ability to make clear choices changes.
Consent requires the ability to freely choose with the capacity to do so.
If someone is incapacitated, they cannot give meaningful consent. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), consent cannot be given when a person is impaired by drugs or alcohol.
Respect means waiting until both people are able to say yes – clearly and freely.
This is why teen consent education must include honest conversations about alcohol and decision-making.
The Real Goal of Consent Education
The goal of teen consent education is not just avoiding harm.
The goal is creating a culture where young people naturally:
- Ask before assuming
- Respect boundaries
- Communicate openly
- Support their friends when something feels wrong
In other words:
A generation that chooses to Lead with Respect.
Because when respect becomes the foundation, consent stops feeling complicated.
It becomes simple.
Ask first.
Respect the answer.
Lead with Respect.
And remember:
Real confidence never fears the answer.
Thanks for being you. 💜
Bring Teen Consent Education to Your School
For more than three decades, Hall-of-Fame speaker Mike Domitrz has helped schools, universities, and organizations teach young people the real skills of respect, consent, and healthy relationships.
Schools interested in bringing this message to their students can learn more about bringing Mike Domitrz to speak at their next assembly or event.