What if the biggest threats to respect in our relationships aren’t the obvious moments of conflict? What if they’re the small habits we repeat every day without realizing the impact we’re having? The habits that kill respect in relationships are often the ones we don’t even recognize.
You can care deeply about someone and still make them feel unheard.
You can believe you’re being helpful while taking away their ability to choose.
And you can think you’re having a conversation when you’re actually waiting for your turn to speak.
These everyday moments matter.
In this week’s video, I share three habits that quietly damage respect between people—and three simple skills we can practice instead.
Watch: Three Habits That Kill Respect Between People
The good news? Each habit can be replaced with a choice that builds trust, connection, and healthier relationships.
3 Habits That Kill Respect in Relationships and What to Do Instead
Habit #1: Assuming Instead of Asking
Of all the habits that kill respect in relationships, making assumptions can be one of the easiest to overlook.
Have you ever hugged someone because you assumed they wanted a hug?
Or immediately offered advice when someone shared a problem?
Maybe you thought:
“They know I care.”
“I’m just trying to help.”
“I already know what they need.”
Here’s the challenge.
Your intentions don’t automatically tell you what someone else wants.
When we assume, we take away someone’s opportunity to express their preferences and boundaries.
So what can we do differently?
ASK!
Try these simple questions:
- “Would you like a hug?”
- “Do you want my thoughts, or would you prefer I just listen?”
- “What would feel supportive right now?”
Notice what happens when you ask.
You’re no longer deciding for someone else. You’re giving them a voice.
This is the foundation of a principle I’ve taught for decades:
Ask First & Respect the Answer.
And this skill applies to friendships, families, classrooms, workplaces, and every relationship where another person’s choices matter.
In 3 Consent Myths Everyone Gets Wrong (And What to Say Instead), we explore why replacing assumptions with clear communication helps build healthier relationships.
Because real confidence doesn’t come from believing you already know the answer.
It comes from being willing to ask.
Habit #2: Trying to Change Someone’s “No”
One of the most damaging habits that kill respect in relationships is treating someone’s boundaries as an invitation to negotiate.
Imagine inviting a friend to an event.
They say, “No thanks.”
Do you respond with appreciation?
Or do you say:
“Come on! It’ll be fun!”
“You’re seriously not going?”
“Just this once?”
You might think you’re simply encouraging them.
But here’s what’s happening.
You’re treating their boundary as an obstacle to overcome instead of an answer to respect.
When someone says no, they shouldn’t have to defend their answer until you find their explanation acceptable.
Think about the message repeated pressure sends:
“Your choice matters only when I agree with it.”
That’s not respect.
Here’s a better response:
“Thanks for letting me know.”
“I respect that.”
“No problem!”
Simple. Powerful. Respectful.
Respecting someone’s no doesn’t mean you have to like their answer. It means recognizing their right to make that choice.
This is especially important in dating and intimate relationships, where consent must be freely given, ongoing, and never obtained through pressure.
RAINN’s educational resources on consent explain why voluntary agreement and respecting boundaries matter.
For a deeper exploration, read Why Saying No Is an Act of Self-Respect (Not Meanness).
Remember:
Saying “No” is never mean.
And respecting someone’s no demonstrates that you value them as a person.
Ask First & Respect the Answer. Every time.
Habit #3: Listening to Respond Instead of Listening to Understand
Picture this.
Someone is sharing something important with you.
They’re still speaking, but inside your head, you’re already preparing your response.
Maybe you’re planning advice.
Maybe you’re thinking about why they’re wrong.
And while you’re doing all that thinking, what are you missing?
THEM!
Their experience. Their perspective. What they’re actually trying to communicate.
We listen for our opening instead of listening for understanding.
So what do we do instead?
Choose curiosity over judgment.
Try asking:
- “Can you tell me more?”
- “What was that experience like for you?”
- “What am I missing?”
- “Am I understanding you correctly?”
These questions create space for understanding instead of immediately deciding whether someone is right or wrong.
And remember:
You can understand someone’s perspective without agreeing with their conclusion.
This is especially important when talking with teenagers. Young people need adults who listen with curiosity instead of immediately correcting, judging, or lecturing.
Our article Why Teens Resist Prevention Programs explores how listening and practical skill-building create more meaningful conversations.
Because when people feel heard, we create opportunities for connection instead of defensiveness.
And connection creates opportunities for growth.
The Missing Piece: Teach What TO Do
Imagine telling students:
“Don’t disrespect people.”
“Don’t pressure others.”
“Don’t interrupt.”
Those messages may be important.
But what have we actually taught students to DO?
We spend too much time telling people what to avoid and not enough time teaching them the skills to succeed.
Instead of only saying, “Don’t assume,” teach:
“Would you like me to listen or offer ideas?”
Instead of only saying, “Don’t pressure someone,” teach:
“Thanks for being honest. I respect your answer.”
Instead of only saying, “Don’t interrupt,” teach:
“Tell me more. I want to understand.”
That’s how respect becomes a skill instead of a slogan.
Bringing These Skills Into Our Schools
This philosophy is at the heart of The Center for Respect’s SAFER Choices School Assembly.
Through interactive, age-appropriate experiences, I help middle and high school students practice asking first, respecting boundaries, communicating clearly, supporting others, and making healthier choices.
Students deserve more than warnings about what could go wrong.
They deserve practical tools for creating relationships where everyone feels valued, heard, and respected.
If you’re a school administrator, counselor, educator, or parent, explore our SAFER Choices programs for middle schools and high schools.
Let’s give students something they can actually use.
Recognizing the habits that kill respect in relationships is only the beginning. The real transformation happens when we practice what TO do: ask first, respect the answer, and listen with curiosity.
Respect Is a Daily Choice
Here’s my challenge for you.
Over the next 24 hours, notice your conversations.
When you’re tempted to assume, ASK.
When someone tells you no, RESPECT THE ANSWER.
When you find yourself preparing your response, PAUSE and GET CURIOUS.
You don’t need to master every relationship skill overnight.
You simply need to become more intentional about the choices you make.
Because respect isn’t something we simply tell people to have.
It’s something we teach people how to demonstrate, through asking, honoring answers, and listening.
And when we practice those skills consistently, we create the foundation for mutually amazing relationships.
Ask First & Respect the Answer.
Lead with Respect.
Thanks for being you. 💜
About Mike Domitrz
Mike Domitrz is a Hall-of-Fame Speaker, author, subject matter expert, and founder of The Center for Respect who helps organizations, schools, and the military build cultures rooted in consent, respect, honoring boundaries, bystander intervention, sexual assault prevention, and healthy relationships. For over 30 years, he has equipped audiences of all ages with practical, real-world tools. Known as one of the first pioneers on teaching consent in the early 1990s, his “Ask First & Respect the Answer” philosophy to consent has spread throughout the world. Mike transforms how people engage with each other, stand up for each other, and raise their own standards.
Why does Mike have such a deep passion? For Mike, this work is personal. In 1989, he received a phone call that the youngest of his sisters had been sexually assaulted. That moment would change their lives and a year later Mike discovered a way he could try to make a positive impact – by speaking in schools.